Retreat
by herfrostyx
Summary: Kid was captured by Kaido, and as a First Mate, Killer is trying with all his might to save him. But what will happen if his injuries are more severe than his willpower?


_Special thanks to stitchesandstockings and Mudmanworld on tumblr for betaing the story, and also, Ninjatome for keeping Killer's character in check (and keeping me from deleting the story altogether out of frustration). Also, this is my first longer story about Kilguin so I hope you enjoy it :3_

* * *

People say, that there is nothing as destructive and as foolish as anger. Killer agreed with this very much, for he had seen hot blinding anger from the other side most of the time. Not from the receiving end, but from the side where he had to prevent it from being too catastrophic. From the side where he had to yell as loud as he could to get heard by deaf angry ears. He had seen a lot of it, and had taken a personal oath that he wouldn't be consumed by such an ugly thing as _anger_.

He never thought there would come a day where he would be the one consumed by fury.

The blond dragged himself across the freezing shore covered in thick snow. He was sore, he should take a rest, but he just couldn't make himself to do it. There was still a tiny spark of energy within him, crawling up into his chest like melting lava in a volcano. Every passing minute, he was getting angrier while at the same time, fear consumed the depth of his heart.

A fear for the well-being of his Captain.

Killer gritted his teeth, tasting the tang of blood thick in his mouth. He wouldn't hope for Kid to be fine. No, _fine_ is a bit too much. He had learnt that keeping his hopes high in this ocean is a foolish thing to do. He had just hoped that Kid is _alive_.

The bitter thought got Killer even angrier, as he gripped his scythes with all his remaining might. He knew anger to be a destructive thing but now, it was the only thing that he could rely on to keep him going─to make him move, and take another step closer to Kaido's lair. Killer knew that in his current, sorry shape, he couldn't fight Kaido's commanders- Let alone the Beast himself- But he needed to locate Kid's whereabouts. He needed to know where Kid was being imprisoned. If he knew, he could then retreat in peace and make a plan to rescue him.

However, rage alone couldn't bring him far in his journey. Eventually, exhaustion and a seemingly invisible stone tumbled Killer from his limping steps, causing him to fall face first to the cold snow. Some of the ice touched the skin of his face through his mask, making him groan. The snow cooled burning, unhealed injuries, a feeling that was not comfortable, but was welcomed. Killer tried to get back up, he'd finish this mission crawling if he had to.

"Stupid… Kid…" he panted as he tried to get up. Again. His body was so close to giving up on him, but he knew that passing out in the middle of the snow wasn't the brightest idea. He had visited enough winter islands to know that hypothermia is one among many causes of death, and he willed himself on, refusing to stop now. He refused to die, at least until Kid was free and setting sail once again, even if it meant that he had to take his captain's place.

The cold didn't help him to make any movement. His joints were all frozen, and the fact that he only wore his usual _southern style_ short sleeved thin shirt and pants caused his body temperature to drop rapidly and it wasn't long before rage and willpower were no longer enough and his body refused to move. Killer laid his head on the snow, blood starting to freeze and frustration and fear took hold of his heart. He didn't dare to close his eyes, for he would see the horrible fate in the darkness of his those images refused to be pushed to the back of his mind. In fact, he could see them perfectly clear on the white snow he was stuck staring at. _The defeat of Captain Kid_. No, it should be _The Defeat of Massacre Soldier_. If only he wasn't so focused on hurting Kaido, he would have seen the attack that was aimed at Kid. If only he knew just a second earlier, he would have the time to jump and take Kid's place, but the giant's reach was out of Killer's. So there was Kid, taking the blow that Killer should protect him from. Wasn't it a First Mate's duty to protect their captain at all costs?

To make it worse, there was not even time to make up for his mistake. Once Kid took the blow, Kaido snatched him, and that was about the end of their short resistance. That Apoo bastard quickly surrendered, while Kid, being the stupid, persistent bastard he is, spat blood in Kaido's direction and simply laughed at the idea, and that was when he knew that they had to retreat. That to be able to free his captain, they had to leave him behind. A smart, but cowardly decision that he regretted now, as he fear for his captain's life grew with each passing minute.

Killer groaned, using the power from his guilt to try and get up once again, but this time, exhaustion had beaten his willpower. He couldn't even lift a limb, no matter how much he put his strength into it.

For the first time since the horrible fate he shared with Kid in their childhood, Killer felt helpless and afraid. He knew he couldn't hope for miracle─it was a concept made by weaklings that couldn't move their asses to look destiny dead in the eyes and take what they want, but right now, in a place near freezing point where he couldn't even move a muscle, Killer wished for one. Just _one_. Free Eustass Kid. Let him see Kid set sail once again.

The blond could feel his exhaustion quickly overcome him as he used the last of his strength to dig the snow with the tips of his fingers, hoping for a secret passage or something - anything- to appear in front of him. However, as he was dragged deeper to the deepest darkness of unconsciousness, Killer knew that Miracles didn't happen to the likes of them.

 _ **-ccc-**_

"He's still alive!" Killer could hear someone declare loudly, in an urgent tone that could usually only be heard in the midst of the battle. That, along with the cold fingertips that were pressing hard to feel his pulse, dragged him halfway to consciousness. Killer kept what remained of his focus to the touch and the voice, like he would to the surface of the ocean if he was drowning.

The fingertips continued to press against his freezing skin, in the strategic places where the pulse could be located. Killer had given up on trying to open his eyes, or to make any attempt to move. He just focused on the guy's action, interpreting it with his weak mind. _Doctor_ , he concluded in his mind. _This guy's a doctor._

"His wounds have been treated poorly, Captain. He's not dead yet but he's close."

"Good. Bring him to infirmary," someone else replied, with a calmer, more authoritative tone. "Every last one of them."

"Why?" someone asked.

"Because that's Captain Kid's crew," the calm voice replied. His voice sounds closer and clearer now, jolting Killer's attention to full alert. "If they're scattered here, in Kaido's lair, we have to know why. They can give us some valuable information."

" _Assuming_ they want to give information."

 _Yeah, Trafalgar,_ Killer thought. _What makes you think we would want to give information voluntarily?_

"Oh they would," that familiar voice said in a tone full of confidence. "If not, we can always throw them back to the snow."

 _Snarky bastard_ , Killer thought. He could then hear some more footsteps approaching him, a series of boots sloshing against the snow. He wanted to move, he wanted to put up some resistance to save the Kid Pirates' some dignity.

If only he could move. Just a muscle.

 _ **-ccc-**_

"… with a serious case of hypothermia. The cold was his enemy and his ally at the same time," Killer could hear Trafalgar's voice enter his weak ears. He still couldn't move, even after his brain gave so many orders to his every muscle and every nerve. He wanted to open his eyes, to see whether it's really Trafalgar Law, and what the fuck that bastard was doing here. "If it were not snowing out there, he would die due to infection."

"The snow prevented his injuries from getting worse, but at the same time, it almost froze him to death," another voice was heard; a more delicate, and soft voice that it could only be interpreted as _defeated_. Killer's heart sunk when he heard that voice. He tried to swim to the surface of his consciousness, to where the voice come from, but how could he swim, if he couldn't feel his body? Was that Peng? He needed to see the bird. He had to. He also needed to know what the hell they were doing here, and if they were talking about him.

"Precisely. He was _this_ close death."

Then, there was an uncomfortable silence. Killer tried to open his eyes once more, only to know that by being unable to do so, they were _indeed_ talking about him. But what happened to him? What happened to the crew? What about Kid? Is he alive? Killer felt like something was punching his gut repeatedly when he thought of Kid. A bad feeling that he couldn't shake. Just why couldn't he move? Then, a series of approaching footsteps derailed his train of thought. Killer focused what he had left of his energy to listen, to keep his mind afloat in the darkness that was so eager to pull him back to its embrace.

"Kil," the delicate voice whispered, sounding so defeated. Killer felt like his heart stopped in an instant. For a moment, the thought of Kid, the guilt and his duty as first mate was forgotten, pushed back to the abyss of his mind while the remaining of his consciousness revolved around that voice. Around the puff of breath that touched his cold cheek. "Killer… Goddamn it man. What happened to you?"

Then there were touches. First a soft, light touch on the tip of his nose, followed by the touch of someone's lips; dry, chapped, cold, and desperate, ghosting over his shoulder, cheek, and eventually, his temple. Killer wanted to laugh, wanted to catch that hand and kiss every knuckle, denying his vulnerability with wild affection. If only he could move.

 _ **-ccc-**_

"… Fighting really well. Good sign, man," that was a louder, more laid back tone. It took Killer a few moments to realize that 1) he was drugged. Hard and 2) he's in the Heart Pirates' care. That must the sound of the happy whale of the Heart Pirates. "Cheer up a little bit, Pen. Have you even taken a bath these past few days?"

Pen. Penguin. Penguin of the Heart Pirates. Killer could feel his heart jump from its nearly static state, to spikes in the beat that made him tired. They must have put a heart monitor on him, because he could hear the repetitive beep sound grow louder, faster, and the sound of someone jump from their seat.

"Kil? You good?"

Killer tried to do something, anything, to prove to the little bird that he was fine, but he was choked, he was strangled, and it didn't help him that Penguin was yelling to the happy whale about something. The emergency seemed to be temporary, because as Killer felt a pointed needle injected to him, and he was dragged back to the darkness that he was trying so hard to raise himself from. He tried to call Penguin's name, but the darkness swallowed him.

When Killer managed to finally open his eyes, he squinted only to see the dimmed room. It was made of metal, all grey and dull but strangely familiar. After his eyes adjusted to the light, he could feel all of his senses struggling to steal his attention with enormous amount of stimulus; the smell of medicine and ammonia that pierced his nose, he didn't like that. Then, there were confusing signals that made him realize he must be in shit shape right now, considering that he received over stimulus that he could only perceive as pain in several parts of his body, and the lack of stimulus in the others that he could only perceive as disfigurement. Like his left hand. He remembered that he broke a scythe so bad, his arm must be crushed in the process─it was probably already rotting and half functioning right now.

He sighed, thinking that grave must be better than early retirement. What retirement is like for pirates, anyway?

Wait. Pirates. Yeah, he's a pirate. He's the first mate of Kid Pirates. With Kid.

 _Kid._

The thought of that name alone brought him back to full consciousness. He could now feel additional stimulus that he couldn't recognize before. Like the abnormal weight on his chest, or the calloused fingers between his stiff ones. Killer shifted himself, trying to look down at his chest to see what the hell was on it.

"Whoa, easy, easy," he suddenly saw a face of a handsome man, framed by messy, short platinum hair with streaks of black. The man looked worried and tired at the same time. His ice blue eyes were decorated with dark bags beneath, his lips chapped, and he looked… tired. Even so, it was still a familiar face that Killer thought he would never see again. The man that he thought he couldn't embrace again. He remembered that face in another dimly lit room, in a humid area with the faint sound of random bubbles bursting outside. Memories flooded his mind like senses flooded his brain, recalling the light, happy feeling he felt when seeing that face.

 _You look like your scary captain,_ was what Killer was trying to say but his voice just wouldn't come out. Instead, there was a low, broken sound that made him wince in pain.

"Hey, go easy on yourself," the man said, with softer tone that sounded less stressed and shocked than the first time. He was pushing himself away, only to come back with a glass of water. Up until Penguin brought it to his range of vision, Killer didn't realize that he was thirsty as hell. Penguin helped him by tilting his head until it was in a safe position to drink without spilling or choking. The smaller man smiled slightly, looking even more exhausted and if Killer's guess was on point, for the most stupid reason.

"There you go," he smiled when Killer finally managed to finish the drink.

"You look like shit," Killer croaked, his voice hoarse. Whoa. How long had he been out again?

Penguin let out a laugh, a sort of relieved one. "You ought to look in the mirror."

Killer shook his head in exaggerated confidence, and Penguin laughed at that.

"Beauty is _really_ in the eye of beholder," he ruffled Killer's hair and massaged his scalp. "Goddamn it Kil," he whispered, looking pained. "I thought I lost you."

Lost… Killer suddenly thought of the blackout… Kid… The war… Who was it they were fighting? Was it Bartholomew Kuma? That's why the little bird was here, right? So why was he here, in the infirmary of the Heart Pirates? Why were Penguin's features are so different? Where is Kid? They beat weird robot Kuma. So where the fuck is that bastard?

At the same time, Killer could remember Kid being smashed. The blood… the bitter taste of betrayal… The huge shadow looming over him…

Kaido.

Killer shifted again, trying to force memories to come back as he tried to get up. Only to be knocked back by a painful headache. "Kid…!" he groaned. "Gotta… Get… Kid"

"Kil, I don't think…"

"Pen!" he hissed. "Something is happening to Kid. I need to get him. I need to get Kid. Now!"

"Kil," Penguin tried to keep him from getting up, but Killer just wouldn't listen and tried to get up from his hospital bed. He ripped at his IVs, trying to detach all of the medical support just so that he could go. Penguin asked, commanded, begged, and ultimately, straddled Killer to make him stay on the bed. Yet he, even in a stronger state than Killer, still was not a match for the Kid Pirates' first mate. So he decided to take the sedative and inject it into Killer.

The blond was still rambling about saving Kid when finally, unconsciousness claimed him back.

 _ **-ccc-**_

It must have been a long time since he was awake. Killer couldn't remember. When he finally came round, he tried once again to piece together his memories of recent events. However, they were scrambled in his mind, stirring up in a mess, so Killer decided that it's better to stay passive and not try to remember anything for now. He focused on his senses, to breathe, to smell, to focus on his surroundings so that he could clear his mind, and once he had his mind straight enough to be aware, the first thing that Killer felt was a head resting against the lower left part of his chest, almost right on top of his heart. An arm flung across Killer's body, fingers ghosting over his. Killer could feel a smile rise up on his face. He knew full well who that might be. In his short life, he never let many people touch him. This guy was one among his short list of exceptions.

He was about to pull the body laid half on him closer, when he heard a metal door swing open, and a series of fast paced footsteps approaching him.

"Oh," the man chuckled. "Awake, Killer-ya?"

Killer shot his eyes open, trying to get up only to see Trafalgar Law approaching him.

"Traf… Trafalgar," Killer murmured, as he tried to get up, but Law only shook his head.

"Hush, you wouldn't want to wake little Peng now, would you? He's been awake for the last few days, looking out for you," he said as he checked Killer's IV drip, and all of the medical paraphernalia that Killer couldn't quite understand. "See? All changed and done perfectly. But again, Peng had been refusing to handle anything besides you, especially when it wasn't a direct order from me. So I expect nothing less than perfection."

Killer couldn't quite understand what Trafalgar meant, as he held Penguin's hand which rested over his, stroking it absentmindedly while he tried to understand the whole situation.

"How long have I been out?"

"One week," Trafalgar replied, leaning on Killer's bedside table. The Heart Pirate's captain looked… different somehow. Even more than the bounty poster showed. He still looked like a slender panda with lean muscles, but he looked a bit… laid back, free… Killer's mind changed one word with another, and he concluded that the right word had yet to be invented for Law's body language. He just looked like he finally dropped the weight of the world from his shoulders.

"Do you know what year it is? What is the last thing you remember?"

Killer answered Trafalgar's doctoral questions properly, a bit annoyed because there were more important things than how he felt and what the fucking year was.

"I understand your frustration, Killer-ya. But I have to make sure that you have complete recollection of the events before I continue with my questions" Trafalgar must have sensed his annoyance, because he looked more serious now. His expression tightened as he looked at Killer with his sharp eyes. Killer was not a coward or a lowlife that could be intimidated with such a look, but moments like this made him understand why he's not a captain. "Killer-ya, are you sure that you are in shape for interrogation?"

Killer squinted, trying to assess his own mind, trying to see if he could properly recall the events that led to this moment. He decided to start with Trafalgar. The last time he saw his face was when Trafalgar got captured by the Clown or whatever… Then the alliance… Then the giant…

He could feel his heart jump as memories flooded back.

"Yeah," he whispered, almost pained but he refused to believe that things could get worse. "I'm still trying to clear my mind, but please ask me what you need to know. That'll help me sort my memories faster."

For a moment, Trafalgar looked a bit hesitant but curious regardless. Knowing his history with Kid, Killer was a bit surprised that he could still have such a calm manner. "Very well," the surgeon nodded. "About the alliance… Why did you do it?"

"To take down a yonko, just like we discussed some time ago."

"I don't recall any of you saying anything about taking down Kaido."

"That's because that wasn't out plan. We were aiming for Red Haired Shanks."

"Then, what were you doing in Kaido's lair?"

Despite Trafalgar's eager curiosity, his questions were quick, sharp, and precise─just like the movement of his scalpel in the operating theatre. Killer could salute him for that.

"That day after you defeated Doflamingo, Kaido fell from the sky onto our safe house. We were all surprised that of all islands, he landed on ours. However, when he realized who were, he was furious at us. I assumed it was for being in the same generation as you and Straw Hat. He attacked us, beat the shit out of us to set an example… show that you… _we_ can't hope to defeat him."

At that, Killer clenched his fist, grabbing Penguin's hand as an attempt to hold on to his patience, to his calmness. His heart rate spiked all of a sudden, resulting in a faster, louder beep on the heart monitor. Killer could feel fear and desperation take hold again, and somehow it affected Penguin. The man that laid on top of him was now frozen in place, his breath on hold for a moment. Killer focused on the rhythm of the smaller man's breathing, trying not to do something impulsive.

"I see," Law nodded. "However, it doesn't explain why my crew can't find your captain nor anyone from your allied crews."

"Scratchmen is under Kaido now. He surrendered and begged to be taken under his wing. I don't know where Hawkins went..." Killer paused for a moment, trying to get his voice to work. "As for Kid… he got captured…"

"… For refusing to surrender," Law continued, nodding as his expression changed. He looked once again like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders. "That sounds like what that stupid, stubborn, and prideful Eustass would do."

"He has his own principles."

"I know," Trafalgar Law said. "It's part of his charm, isn't it?"

"Trafalgar," Killer exclaimed, his voice low and dangerous. He might still feel weak from his injuries, but he wouldn't let that get in the way of protecting his captain's name. "Just because you got in his pants, doesn't mean I will let you get away with talking shit about Kid…"

"I know," Trafalgar cut Killer off before he could say anything else. "I admire you for that, and I would not waste my time with Eustass-ya if he was a lesser man than he is. But this time… With what happened to Whitebeard two years ago, with what Mad Monk-ya did to Big Mom's commander, with what Straw hat-ya and I did with Doflamingo, Yonkos will start to get the memo. They will start to destroy us the moment they see us. You should have run the moment Kaido showed himself in front of you. You, Killer-ya, of all people, should have known that it would end like this. It could have ended _worse_ than this. You should have just knocked him unconscious and dragged his arrogant ass away until you developed a proper plan!" Trafalgar gripped the side of the table tightly, his finger tips turning white. Killer swore he could hear the doctor's teeth gritting loudly. "You, of all people, should remind him to retreat."

"I could, but I wouldn't," Killer barked back. "I might have known that it will end like this. I might have known that it could be worse. But what I think never mattered. Kid is my captain. When he orders us to attack, we attack."

"You could have died by Kaido's hands."

"But we didn't," Killer exclaimed. " _He_ didn't. I know you may think you have Kid all figured out just because you shared his bed. But no, you don't know shit about my captain. He might not the strongest man in this ocean yet, but Kid is persistent. He won't die just because he got his ass handed to him."

"You're pretty optimistic. It's Kaido we're talking about. Straw hat-ya and I could barely fight Doflamingo."

"Well we aren't you. If you give a single shit about Kid, then you better get your ass moving!" Killer growled.

For a few moments, the two glared at each other, before Trafalgar Law finally sighed, and let out a tiny laugh that could easily be mistaken as bitter. "You're right. We need to focus on the future. Get some rest, Killer-ya. We will discuss a plan to rescue your captain tomorrow. After all, we need all hands on deck to beat Kaido and his commanders." The captain of The Heart Pirates turned on his heel and started to walk towards the door, but before he could walk halfway across the room, Killer stopped him.

"Trafalgar."

The lean man stopped in place, and tilted his head to glance at Killer.

"When the time comes Kid is in prominent danger, would you switch me in his place?" Killer asked, ending his request by swallowing his saliva, and his pride with it.

Trafalgar didn't respond. He continued to stare at him questioningly. "How should I know whether the time has come, Killer-ya?"

"When something horrible is about to happen. When your calculation or your judgment says that the event will result either in his death, or that Kid will be unable to continue his journey. Kid needs to continue to sail, no matter what. He has to. He's the future pirate king, after all. So I'm begging you, will you do that when the time comes?"

For a moment, silence claimed the room, then Trafalgar let out a tiny laugh. "Why do I get the impression that you will fight to make sure I agree on this," he paused. "Very well, when the time comes."

Trafalgar stepped out of the infirmary. Before closing the door, he spoke back into the room, "Also, Penguin, I need you at the hull first thing in the morning. No more excuses. And you're welcome to bring Killer-ya along should you deem necessary."

The door clicked shut and Killer heard the way Penguin's breath hitched. Penguin lifted his head from Killer's chest and grinned with the mischievous of a child. His pale cheek blushed light pink, which earned a smile from Killer.

Now that Killer felt assured he would be able to count on Trafalgar's scheme to steal Kid back from the beast, a weight had been lifted. Or perhaps the happiness that settled over him was the effect of the little bird's presence. That was Penguin's charm, after all.

"I knew you were awake this whole time, you sly little bird," Killer said as he pulled Penguin closer. His joints made popping noises when he moved his arms. "But how did Trafalgar know?"

Penguin shrugged. "Well, he has practiced his observation haki by surveying one hundred heartbeats at the same time."

"Huh?" Killer blinked in disbelief. "Kid has had his violent moments, but your captain sure is scary."

"You're one to talk, _Massacre_ soldier."

They shared a laugh, before Penguin slowly stopped and stared at Killer's happy face. He touched Killer's cheek, silencing the blond before sealing their dry lips together. Their kiss grew hungrier and more urgent with each passing second. Killer was surprised by this new demanding side of Penguin. He was more than happy to let Penguin have his way, though, and followed along with the pace set by the smaller man. Eventually they ran out of breath and broke away for much needed air.

"Whoa," Killer smirked. "What happened to you these past two years?"

"Not the past two years," Penguin chuckled, almost sounding bitter but somehow also finding humour in it. " _The past week_ , Kil. Something _happened_ inside me when I saw you there, lying unconscious. And when you did wake, you mumbled incoherent things like you'd lost your mind. It gave me a thought I can't seem to shake."

Killer scowled, but pulled Penguin in to place soft peaks across his skin. "That sounds serious," he mumbled, lips resting against the smaller man's cheek. All thoughts about his Captain were pushed to the back of his mind. "Mind sharing?"

"I will," Penguin whispered, pressing his now wet lips on Killer's cold skin. The blond's fever had long gone, and his skin was now covered in cold sweat and Penguin's kisses. "Gotta… show… First."

They continued to shower one another with kisses, pressing their lips everywhere they could reach and savouring the other's touch. Eventually Penguin sat up from his awkward position, and Killer pulled him closer. Their hands cupped one another's faces as they locked eyes, unwilling to blink in case somehow the other would disappear.

"Take off your shoes," Killer breathed.

"And why should I do that?"

"Because you need to be here with me," Killer replied, kissing the tip of Penguin's nose, before touching their foreheads together. "So we can relive our moment on Sabaody from two years ago. Or have you forgotten?"

Penguin's lips widened into a grin as he huffed warm breath against Killer's skin. Killer liked the feeling; Penguin's presence never failed to comfort him. He was grateful, because of all the things that could have happened, the Heart Pirates had found him, and he was reunited with Penguin, the man who emitted warmth like the sun.

Whenever he was around Penguin, Killer could feel the desperation and fear leave his body. He got the feeling that things would be alright. An alliance with the Heart Pirates could only make them stronger, unlike the past alliance with Apoo and Hawkins. Plus Trafalgar needed Kid, in more ways than one, and would fight just as hard as Killer to save him. There was great comfort in that thought.

Penguin's chuckle distracted Killer from his thoughts. "You were the one diagnosed with a concussion, Kil," Penguin finally answered.

"It would take more than a concussion to make me forget," Killer retorted. His hands lowered to Penguin's back and hugged him closer. "Now, take off your shoes."

"I don't want to relive the moment," Penguin whispered, but he took off his shoes anyway, and positioned himself over Killer. However, Penguin's weight remained on his knees instead of resting on the larger man. Killer was strong, but Penguin didn't want to risk agitating any of Killer's already aching injuries.

Killer's eyebrows disappeared under his bangs when he raised them. "What, you found someone better these past two years?"

"No!" Penguin exclaimed. "God, Kil, no. I don't want to relive the moment because… after watching you motionless for the past week, something got to me. And after I heard what you asked my Captain…"

Penguin's icy blue eyes stared deep into Killer, showing something that resembled pain, anger, and desperation. Killer knew that look. He had seen it many times when he had looked at his own reflection in the mirror. He had seen it on Heat's face when they first recruited him. It was bitter, and _dark_. And yet, simultaneously it resembled hope in its rawest and most untameable form.

"What are you thinking, little bird?"

"I thought… that _this_ , what we have right now, is something that shouldn't be marked by time. We shouldn't think about anything else aside from what we have _here_. _Now_. _You_. _Me_. Before this week, I would kiss you goodbye, and hope to kiss you again sometime in the future. Before this week, I would hug you long enough to make it last until we would meet again."

Penguin took a breath to think about how best to phrase his next words. "But that's not how pirates should be. Pirates don't cling to the concept of _happily ever after_. We don't love someone forever. We're not supposed to reflect on the past or look to the future with hope. Pirates are meant to live by instinct, and think only about the present time."

Penguin's voice was growing shaky with emotion as he continued. "But you and I don't do those things. _That_ is our problem. Because the sweet memories of the past, the dreadful promises of the future, they will harm us and leave us distraught. You can't do this to Kid. And I won't second my captain for this, either."

Killer remained silent as he waited patiently for Penguin to finish.

"Besides, dwelling on what we had in the past will only hurt you, the same way the thought of the future does to me… When I saw you unconscious–," Penguin whispered, but was unable to finish that thought. His voice was traumatized from speaking these words.

Killer stared at the beautiful young man, headache and pain momentarily forgotten as he blurted out his loyalty and love in a single breath. For some, Penguin's speech could have been interpreted as a rejection, or an attempt to put an end to things. But Killer knew Penguin. He also knew that all those things he said were true. And for once, Killer could only imagine what it would feel like to watch someone he cared about in immense pain, with their soul ebbing between life and death.

Killer could feel that Penguin generally cared about him. He was the first person outside of the Kid Pirates to do so, and Killer's heart couldn't help but let him in.

"I mean… You understand, right?" Penguin questioned. "Your presence. That's all that matters to me right now. Bringing up the past will only make things more painful. The past is a reminder that dreadful things can and will happen again in the future, whether it be to you or to me."

"Fair enough," Killer said, his voice low. "Fine. No more talk of the past. Or the future."

Penguin nodded in agreement.

Killer smiled, feeling a strange sense of pride creep into his heart. He didn't overthink it, and instead pulled Penguin in for a kiss. It was drawn out and gentle, a way of displaying his pure admiration for his little bird. Upon breaking away, Penguin blushed again.

" _There_ , a promise sealed with a kiss," Killer whispered. "Now don't look like that again, and love me _for today_."

"Ugh, why does it sound weird when you say it?" Penguin hissed, clearly embarrassed.

But Killer wasn't having any of that. He rolled them in the small infirmary bed so that he could straddle Penguin, making it creak and shake in a dangerous way as he did so. All the while Penguin was yelling in protest, worried that Killer would injure himself or damage his medical aid, or that they would break the bed and then Law would slice them into tiny pieces. The protests turned to embarrassed whines now that they had successfully switched positions with minimal trouble. Penguin was on his back now, and Killer rested his head on his chest, with his large arm sprawled out to hug the body beneath him.

"You should be resting," Penguin hissed.

"I've had enough rest," Killer replied. "I don't need any more beauty sleep. Unlike some stupid nurse who has stayed awake the entire week."

Penguin tried to frown, but his lips were betraying him. "I'm an anaesthesia specialist," he protested. "Not _some stupid_ _nurse_."

"Yeah, well, you were nursing me, instead of anaesthesia-ing me. So go to sleep now. Or I will make you."

"Yeah? How you gonna do that?"

Killer raised his head from Penguin's chest to give him a look, making the smaller man chuckle before pulling the blond's head back down. "Don't even think about it, you pervert," he laughed. "Go to sleep."

"I was gonna _love you_ _for today_."

"I'm already sleeping."

"How about when you wake up?"

"Don't think about the future."

Killer laughed, snuggling against Penguin while the smaller man wrapped both arms around the blond, smiling softly.

Penguin had cried nearly every night while Killer was unconscious and heavily injured– praying; hoping; being tortured by the sweet memories of the past, and the fear of the future. His thoughts had reflected on what a cruel world it is that they live in. A world where strong men fight one another, and where someone like Penguin wasn't likely to last long. He feared for the day when he might lose his own life in battle, or sacrifice it for the sake of his captain, or perhaps be made to beg for it as Killer had done.

A life where they could settle down and be together forever seemed like an impossible dream.

In this cruel world moments would come and go, as would people just as fast. Everyone would rise and die; be remembered, and eventually forgotten. Life would always be an unpredictable game. And that was exactly why cherishing the people he had right now, without the weight of forever, would have to be enough.


End file.
